Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Happily changed that channel

Ever wonder if having an extraordinary memory is a bad thing? Randomly in the car on the way to work today N (not baby N – co-worker and friend N) and I were having an odd conversation when it hit me. It was one year ago today that my path to happily ever after changed again…for the better. It certainly didn’t feel like that at the time. It felt devastating, heart breaking. It was all of those things and now it is none of those things. It is amazing what we choose not to see, what we allow ourselves to overlook when it is something we believe we want. It was not wonderful and good, it was not love and honesty. It was lying, empty promises and in the end cheating and more lying. It was lashing out with negative things because it was the easy way out regardless of how it made me feel. It was leaving me to deal with the fall out for everyone. I got to be the bearer of bad news. Um....what is that saying - missed that train wreck by the skin of my teeth? WOW, and the end of all that made me sad why again? I KNOW that isn’t how it is supposed to be. I see that with J & N, D & T, A & N (ok, so they are both girls so they totally don’t count since of course they are both smart!), G & A. When it is right it is great and I love that and all of these married folks above! :) No, we were not married, not even close. But promises involving little people are pretty high in my book! I have even read A’s SIL’s blog and it isn’t all sunshine and roses for her either but they made a promise and the are sticking to it…THAT is what promises are right? I guess everything does happen for a reason. I am a planner and my plan never seems to work out...good thing someone else's plan appears to be much, much better.

I no longer have to pretend to be less than I am to make someone else feel better. I don’t have to compromise what I believe is right and wrong. This last year has brought so many things. A renewed interest in me! More time for my babies, friends, family. Traveling for business and pleasure (Las Vegas twice, LA a couple of times, Phoenix, Scottsdale), more concerts in one summer than in the last five years (Nickleback, Coldplay, No Doubt and Jonas Bros!), better relationships with the peeps new and old, back to the gym, back to church, back to reading like a fiend, bought a house, heading a new division at work, became a handyman, became a landscaper, became a killer of monster spiders, brought home our new dog baby, tried and quit yoga. No longer feeling like I need someone else to make things complete…I am HAPPY! Not happy all day everyday, not always ready with a clean house, clean desk, laundry done, seven course meal on the table, everyone bathed and dressed to the nines, having all the answers. NOPE, but happy with me, happy with my life, happy with what it all looks like this 32nd year of me. Happy for the boys, happy that I don’t have to share the remote, the radio, my side of the bed (ok, this last one isn’t true. WallE ends up on my side of the bed more often than not). I am happy that I choose E and N’s hearts over my own. I am their protector; I may not get to protect them from all the bad but as a mom even one less thing to worry about is a victory. They will no longer face the uncertainty of someone else walking out of their lives or learning from the wrong example. They will learn from grandpa and papa and uncles and friends husbands. They will learn from me. One day when they are happily off to college (or limo owning school for N) I will run amok with my wild and crazy ways. For now those wild and crazy ways can have little outbursts every other Friday night. Oh yes, they have been wild – skipping out on work early with D, wild $3 margarita nights at Chevy’s, silly shopping and dinners with A & N. :) THE BEST! Ok, so last weekend the wild and crazies up’d the stakes a little at A’s party…

The enjoyment of what the next year will hold!

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