Sunday, March 28, 2010

We survived!

Oh this weekend was crazy...but so amazing! :)

Friday night we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to get both boys floats finished for the parade the next day. It was pretty late in the evening when we finished but it was fun and the boys were so excited for the next day. We went to bed a little late but they were up and ready to go first thing in the morning.

Saturday we were out of the house by 7:15 to drop N off with his team and then get E and I over to his. I had to ride in the float with E's team and we (the "big kids") had as much, if not more fun than the little kids. N's float ended up winning the best for his group and he got a medal. E's didn't but that's ok - he has won twice before. We then went directly to the fields for opening ceremonies...wrapped those up and then a bunch of us from E's team went out for pizza before we had to get back for our games. Both boys had to be back at the field at the same time so it worked out.

The games were good! N got to be catcher and he looked adorable buried in all that gear. E was part of a triple play and was so excited. E's team lost and some people were just stupid but our team didn't seem to care.

The weather was amazing! Everything wrapped up around 6 - about two hours later than we thought and the boys went home to spend the night with PTD. I went out on a real live date...with a man. An actual date that was not with A, N, D or J. We had a great time. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that he loved sushi - he just doesn't seem to be the type..guess I was wrong. So we went to a sushi restaurant I had never been to and it was really good. Yummy food and wine and nice conversation...that's all I am going to say about that. :) I'm still, if not more, freaked out about the whole thing. A told me to get the hell out of my own head and just get on with it already. I'm an over thinker...WAY over and she knows it. She kindly, in her very special way, dismissed all my "problems" as lame. :) MK kinda did the same thing on the phone Friday when she and I talked. Who knows...I guess we will just see what happens....YIKES!

Tomorrow my baby is 9! This day was way more relaxing than my day 9 years ago! :) We had baseball pictures, trip to Target and Petsmart and lunch with me and the boys. No labor pains in site. I am off tomorrow so we can spend the day together and then have dinner at my parents. I love you E!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Confusion at its best!

I'm not even sure I want to write this one down. Do I want it as part of my "whine-less" history? Or is it something that I will later look back on and wonder why I ever put it out into the world let alone outside of my own head? I guess that is why they have the delete button? I sometimes wish life had a delete button. It would make decision so much easier if you could delete and try again.

I met someone...I think? Honestly, I am freaking out. I am so trying to play it cool, like it doesn't matter either way. Whatever happens is fine...right? He is such a nice guy but his decision to divorce is recent. I remember that haze that consumed me for so long after my marriage catastrophe, I couldn't figure out what to eat or how to function without crying, making any good decision was out of the question. I'm still not sure how we survived as well as we did (man, that all feels like such a lifetime ago). How could he be ready at this stage of the game? I'm the rebound girl right? And since I keep telling myself that over and over then I should be ok with it being reality right? None of our kids are involved and we both agreed that it will remain that way; I am steadfast on that issue! This came as a total, out-of-the-blue shock to me (and I think it was for him too - I am pretty certain he wasn't set out on a plan). Nothing I ever saw coming and nothing I am prepared to handle. I had convinced myself that I would be solo until after the kids were all grown up and out of the house. The funny thing is, that could still totally be the case. This whole thing is VERY new and yet it totally confused my plan...what if? What if it was to be something more? His reasons for divorce are way different than mine so maybe that makes it different? Or maybe because he is a guy he processes the whole thing faster than I did? Or maybe it is exactly like me and this really is just a get me through this moment "relationship"? Mostly my problem is why I even consider the possibility that it is something more than a simple fling and why, if I am totally convinced that I will be alone for the next 10 years, do I suddenly let myself even consider the possibilities, let it matter...even considering wanting it? I should take it for what it is and leave the rest alone. Why do I have to consider the possibilities? Or want possibilities? Or think there are possibilities? WHY, WHY, WHY!

Circumstances allow us to see each other often without repercussions or issues and so we have spent a lot of time together recently and it is nice. I have an adult to talk to, one who gets the single parent thing, one who seems genuinely interested in listening to me whine about whatever, someone that doesn't care that my go to place is sarcasm - LOTS of it! I miss that. And even just a that is nice! And when it is gone again will I have trouble readjusting or will I be able to just brush it off and go on like nothing changed? I have done it this long alone so it will be easy to go right back too it? Is it even worth the risk or easier to just leave it alone and go back to being happy with my kids, friends, family, shopping and wine? My fight or flight instinct is telling me that flight is the best option but part of me REALLY doesn't want to do that. So now what? I seem to have lost my how-to manual, and apparently my convictions as well! It's that last part that irritates me...damn it! I am stronger than this whole "feeling" business. I don't have grown-up feelings any more. I have work feelings, friend feelings and mom feelings...that was supposed to be it! I thought I rid myself of girl feelings or at least buried them so deep they would take about 10 year to surface. I want to make it all go away and then I really so don't!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

All sorts of random! I got lost...

Lost in the sea of baseball practice! :) Things have been so crazy for us lately. We have been living at the fields five to six times a week for practice and the last week we added in float building to really send me over the edge! Two floats, two schedules, a new after school program for the kids, way too much actual work...I need a vacation/nap/dark place to hide!

The kids are having a great time. They were selected to participate in a new program at school - MESA it seems like a great opportunity for them. They both totally love baseball and have great coaches. Opening day is this weekend so we have a parade, opening ceremonies and both boys have games...not to mention the eleventeen other family and friends that all play that also have games the same day.

In between all this fun, we have had some real fun. A & N and J & I (we girl date each other when her husband lets us) went to see Alice In Wonderland for N's birthday..FUN! Went out for drinks (too many) one night and had a BLAST! N's birthday bash was at our house this weekend and we had a great time. Some of the kids spent the night with me and the other luckies (A, the birthday girl and J) skipped out and left me with the kids...and I call these girls my friends! :) E had an early morning practice on Sunday so I took all five of them to the donut shop for breakfast and we brought enough for the whole team..those dang boys took down 3 dozen donuts! The gym has been cut for the list until this float/6 day a week practice schedule slows down...hopefully next week (see donuts, party and lots of drinks). PLEASE!

We all got sick but survived. I painted my office finally and LOVE it! After painting a wall with 10 different colors I finally just made a damn decision and painted the room and the cabinet our computer/mail/junk/office supplies resides in. I painted it with chalkboard paint so now we can write messages to each other or reminders. The kids thought it was great. Got my backyard furnished just in time for the party...thankfully.

Both the boys got awesome report cards! Our house looks like it may have been ransacked by a gang of thieves...unfortunately, they aren't taking anything, just leaving a bigger mess each day. I am hoping Sunday we can get that mess under control. Although, I am really planning on making it to team pictures and then right back to my bed after this week. I want my PJ's and my weeks of Tivo, maybe some wine and chocolate to go with it? :)

Friday, March 5, 2010


OMG, I can't do it today. I can't focus, my brain is broken. I knew this would happen. My "distraction" at work isn't here today so I just knew I would come in and get all sorts of work done and I'm not getting ANY...FUCK!! The damn A/C is on...are you kidding me! I have on a t-shirt, sweater and G's sweatshirt and I am still going to DIE! It wasn't this cold sitting outside on the concrete slab waiting for E's practice to end. WTF? Is my frostbite going to be good for a WC claim?

Tonight N has his first practice and then we plan on getting dinner and watching Where the Wild Things Are and tomorrow they both have it and then we are off to my parents for dinner and play time and a possible kid sleepover (crossing fingers and praying!). Sunday might be a trip to John's Incredible Pizza because I love's my fav! Or maybe it's because N won a certificate at school and he just can't wait! Last night at E's practice I made a joke with a guy that lived next door to the married us knew PTD is a loser. Someone whom I don't know very well heard me and now probably thinks I am crazy...I guess my secret is out! Oh well, maybe he will feel sorry for E since he has a crazy mother and give him the position he wants. Aren't I a great mom? I use my crazy to benefit my kid...lovely! :) Good thing N's coach and wife are friends and already know my brand of crazy. Thank you!

I am feeling lots of ?!##?$#$ today. I have no focus, no direction, a GIGANTIC need to play, to shop to make a mess, to get a pedicure, to have wine and chocolate and some hot man! I want to watch movies and dance and scream and sing badly (the only way I can!) and run around. I want to be silly and obnoxious (I already have that part down!). I want to people watch and laugh. Generally this kind of behavior (minus the hot man) requires that I hang out with A, N, D and/or J - they get it! I should say the get it and then we make inside jokes for the rest of our lives and then we make fun of each other FOREVER after. And sometimes it also involve vodka! :) Yeah, I need me some of that girl time ASAP and then maybe the hot random stranger can come over and take charge and then leave - no need to stick around buddy (HA!). Ok, yes that so sounds like a plan - how do I make that happen?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Rain, Rain Go Away...Wait!

Ok, I am so over this rain but it did get us out of baseball practice and allowed us one night at home. We had Mickey Mouse pancakes for dinner, sang along to a million music videos, played war (N cheated AGAIN!), played go fish, the boys swam around in my bath tub, I had wine (YIPPEE!) and we snuggled in my bed with WallE before bed. It was so awesome! I snuck in some laundry and dishes but nothing bigger than that. I didn't work, I only talked on the phone with my was like a dream (wow, I am lame!).

Too bad the night is over and it is still raining!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010 scheduled nightmare!

Monday - Gym
Tuesday - Baseball practice for the E
Wednesday - Gym for me, Awana for the little people
Thursday - Baseball practice for E...again
Friday - Baseball practice for N
Saturday - 7:45 practice for E and 2:00 practice for N (Sure, I don't need my Saturday!)

Let's figure out when to schedule in my M-F job, homework, laundry, house cleaning, grocery shopping, sleeping, school functions, parade float building, and not to mention 7 birthday parties including my own kid. That would be seven in just one month! Thinking about it all is making me nervous. I can live without the sleeping but the rest of it really isn't optional. The boys both ended up on great teams this year so that is going to be awesome. The problem is they are on different teams, different age groups but some of the games will overlap and I have to figure out how to be at both at the same time. Last year I could sit in between the two fields and watch them simultaneously. This year I can't do that - no good! We don't even have the game schedule yet but I feel like I need to get some plan in place..pronto! I spent Sunday afternoon shopping and packing my car for the season - Lots of Gatorade, sunflower seeds, sunblock, chairs, bug spray, kid gear, my practice glove...YIKES! My plan does not, in any way, shape or form, count on PTD to assist. He doesn't typically feel that being regularly involved is required. Once we get into the swing of things I am sure it will be fine but I am a panicking a little. I have to be able to have some time to work from home - I can't get my job done in the 8+ hours I am at work, I have an actual house to take care of instead of our little apartment and WallE is not a fan of being home alone at night. E isn't sure what he wants to do for his birthday this year and Easter is right around the corner too.

If I survive this with two happy kids, still employed, with a house that hasn't burned to the ground and a runaway dog, come June, I am going to take a day off! Sit around my house in my PJ's and drink wine all day. Lots of wine, chocolate and cheese! All day...alone! (I would prefer this be on a tropical island with a nice, hot native but I will settle for the above instead.) I need a nap just thinking about it. No time in the schedule for a nap...I'll add that to the list of things to do in June. :)