Thursday, March 25, 2010

Confusion at its best!

I'm not even sure I want to write this one down. Do I want it as part of my "whine-less" history? Or is it something that I will later look back on and wonder why I ever put it out into the world let alone outside of my own head? I guess that is why they have the delete button? I sometimes wish life had a delete button. It would make decision so much easier if you could delete and try again.

I met someone...I think? Honestly, I am freaking out. I am so trying to play it cool, like it doesn't matter either way. Whatever happens is fine...right? He is such a nice guy but his decision to divorce is recent. I remember that haze that consumed me for so long after my marriage catastrophe, I couldn't figure out what to eat or how to function without crying, making any good decision was out of the question. I'm still not sure how we survived as well as we did (man, that all feels like such a lifetime ago). How could he be ready at this stage of the game? I'm the rebound girl right? And since I keep telling myself that over and over then I should be ok with it being reality right? None of our kids are involved and we both agreed that it will remain that way; I am steadfast on that issue! This came as a total, out-of-the-blue shock to me (and I think it was for him too - I am pretty certain he wasn't set out on a plan). Nothing I ever saw coming and nothing I am prepared to handle. I had convinced myself that I would be solo until after the kids were all grown up and out of the house. The funny thing is, that could still totally be the case. This whole thing is VERY new and yet it totally confused my plan...what if? What if it was to be something more? His reasons for divorce are way different than mine so maybe that makes it different? Or maybe because he is a guy he processes the whole thing faster than I did? Or maybe it is exactly like me and this really is just a get me through this moment "relationship"? Mostly my problem is why I even consider the possibility that it is something more than a simple fling and why, if I am totally convinced that I will be alone for the next 10 years, do I suddenly let myself even consider the possibilities, let it matter...even considering wanting it? I should take it for what it is and leave the rest alone. Why do I have to consider the possibilities? Or want possibilities? Or think there are possibilities? WHY, WHY, WHY!

Circumstances allow us to see each other often without repercussions or issues and so we have spent a lot of time together recently and it is nice. I have an adult to talk to, one who gets the single parent thing, one who seems genuinely interested in listening to me whine about whatever, someone that doesn't care that my go to place is sarcasm - LOTS of it! I miss that. And even just a that is nice! And when it is gone again will I have trouble readjusting or will I be able to just brush it off and go on like nothing changed? I have done it this long alone so it will be easy to go right back too it? Is it even worth the risk or easier to just leave it alone and go back to being happy with my kids, friends, family, shopping and wine? My fight or flight instinct is telling me that flight is the best option but part of me REALLY doesn't want to do that. So now what? I seem to have lost my how-to manual, and apparently my convictions as well! It's that last part that irritates me...damn it! I am stronger than this whole "feeling" business. I don't have grown-up feelings any more. I have work feelings, friend feelings and mom feelings...that was supposed to be it! I thought I rid myself of girl feelings or at least buried them so deep they would take about 10 year to surface. I want to make it all go away and then I really so don't!

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